Friday, 20 January 2017

My dad, my biggest regret

An older draft i wrote during ayah's worst condition...

'Dari kecik I'm not ayah's daughter. Well, not literally bukan anak ayah. Just, I dont know how to bond or being close to ayah. Maybe because of how he is; a strict, easily hot-tempered person and always wanted things to go the way he wanted. Kalau dia habaq siap pukui 8 nak pi keluaq, 7.45 dah kena get ready nak pakai kasut dah. 

I remembered how I once being scolded for playing around with my youngers sibs and caused him/her (cant remember much *luz*) jatuh and cried. Well, sikit ja jatuh padahal gimik ja lebih cingey nak mampuih urgh. Back to the story, he was really mad and scolded me quite harashly and refused to listen to any of my '15seconds-made up-excuses-which-obviously-full-of-lies'. Yeah, ayah garang liddat. And few other stories that is just too much to be told.

Years passed and more stories collected on how ayah sometimes act the opposite way I wanted a dad to be. Like I always tend to questions myself, why ayah cant be as good, caring, nice, closer to their child like how other dad used to do? How I envied my cousins for having a cool dad like my uncle, whom used to make jokes and act as a friend to their child. Nak pak macam kengkawan hat bagi depa chill chill ja nak pi memana, umoq 18 dah bebas boleh bok keta pi meqata liddat.  

But other than that, I appreciate how ayah tends to have this side which opposite to my mum's; pasai duit. I remembered how he used to care less and spoilt us with good things and anything that we want when we're kids. Yalah time kecik 90-an dulu pi layan paperdoll hat main tukaq baju ketaih tu jaa, tak pun nak bag kecik hat beads tu, atau hat paling ngarut nak handkerchief merah biru mcm mat mat moto pakai tu sebab demam Adam AF punya pasai nak ikat kat tangan *lulz*

And somehow after all these years, almost 23 years of knowing and growing with him, depan dia, I started to regret so many things. For spending much time being selfish instead of knowing and try to chat more with him. Its like Ive been living all these years by keeping on create massive wall between us. So many bad things happened in his life and I know just a bit. 

Ayah makin kurus, selalu dah tidoq, lemah, and in pain. Its hard kan to make friends when youre already set in mind about this awkwardness? I always try my best to talk to him, ask about his days, 

Its always too late for us to make up things which we should already mend long time ago. 
Ayah stay strong okay? We need you.'

Al-fatihah 
Abdullah bin Jusoh
1950 - 2017

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

Start over

Dari kecik mak pak kita, or even oqang sekeliling selalu habaq suh pi sekolah, jawab exams leklok, grad on time dengan harapan dan motivasi,

'nanti kalau hangpa dah buat leklok exam, pi sekolah, akhlak mulia, inshaAllah terjamin hidup hangpa kerja nanti tou tou'

But little less that we know how big the real world out there. And how fate and timeline for each person aren't that perfect. Some might not have good results, some deserve to grad but did not, some already grad on time but got no luck in finding any job and some might just have really terrible life, i guess..

And whenever we reach that cliff, time tu lah nak start cari solusi, either to asks for forgiveness and blessings from 'The One' or to believe that good fate will be there with little more efforts. But, as a weak human beings, we also have our own 'patience scale' (a timeframe for how long we will commit in being patience), some with strong determination will last long; long enough till they reach their life goals, and of course, some won't.

Its good to see how some kids still having fun, living their worry-less life, unlike some adults who have tons of things to think about. Even to poop also *sad face* 
Nak pi kedai kena pikiaq nak beli apa, kena cut budget and stuff, lelagi dizaman maha durjana ekonomi. Unlike some teens yang spent wastefully tanpa pikir camne struggle mak pak hangpa dah sumbang tenaga tidoq sampai dengkoq sebab nak puaihkan nafsu hangpa cam naga tu. Haih.

The thing is, with a one single thoughts of starting things over, niat nak baik pulih diri hang, to work things over, might also be a starting point, at least think of it as our small efforts. Well, better than feeling gloomy and keep moaning about how bad your life are.

Its actually good that God didn't give us a reset button, or else, we will always be stuck in same things and keep re-doing the same life just trying to get into the perfectly perfect life we want; perfect scores, perfect day, or anything perfect you can possibly think of. Why? We human also no perfect at all. What if by living unperfected start of career life lead to your perfect job? What if by living from a no good family leads you to be better and create new good healthy and loving future family?

No one need to be living in their present state forever; the wealthy wont forever keep their wealth, the healthy one wont forever be healthy, the bad wont forever remain bad person. Its okay to experience bad things if we keep on willingly to improvise our life, ourselves. 

Cause the world aint heaven nor hell to anyone. 
Kalau asyik harap semua benda betui untuk hang, habihlah oqang lain. Dunia putaq tou tou!

Sunday, 8 April 2012

The person is arranging some ideas....