Friday, 20 January 2017

My dad, my biggest regret

An older draft i wrote during ayah's worst condition...

'Dari kecik I'm not ayah's daughter. Well, not literally bukan anak ayah. Just, I dont know how to bond or being close to ayah. Maybe because of how he is; a strict, easily hot-tempered person and always wanted things to go the way he wanted. Kalau dia habaq siap pukui 8 nak pi keluaq, 7.45 dah kena get ready nak pakai kasut dah. 

I remembered how I once being scolded for playing around with my youngers sibs and caused him/her (cant remember much *luz*) jatuh and cried. Well, sikit ja jatuh padahal gimik ja lebih cingey nak mampuih urgh. Back to the story, he was really mad and scolded me quite harashly and refused to listen to any of my '15seconds-made up-excuses-which-obviously-full-of-lies'. Yeah, ayah garang liddat. And few other stories that is just too much to be told.

Years passed and more stories collected on how ayah sometimes act the opposite way I wanted a dad to be. Like I always tend to questions myself, why ayah cant be as good, caring, nice, closer to their child like how other dad used to do? How I envied my cousins for having a cool dad like my uncle, whom used to make jokes and act as a friend to their child. Nak pak macam kengkawan hat bagi depa chill chill ja nak pi memana, umoq 18 dah bebas boleh bok keta pi meqata liddat.  

But other than that, I appreciate how ayah tends to have this side which opposite to my mum's; pasai duit. I remembered how he used to care less and spoilt us with good things and anything that we want when we're kids. Yalah time kecik 90-an dulu pi layan paperdoll hat main tukaq baju ketaih tu jaa, tak pun nak bag kecik hat beads tu, atau hat paling ngarut nak handkerchief merah biru mcm mat mat moto pakai tu sebab demam Adam AF punya pasai nak ikat kat tangan *lulz*

And somehow after all these years, almost 23 years of knowing and growing with him, depan dia, I started to regret so many things. For spending much time being selfish instead of knowing and try to chat more with him. Its like Ive been living all these years by keeping on create massive wall between us. So many bad things happened in his life and I know just a bit. 

Ayah makin kurus, selalu dah tidoq, lemah, and in pain. Its hard kan to make friends when youre already set in mind about this awkwardness? I always try my best to talk to him, ask about his days, 

Its always too late for us to make up things which we should already mend long time ago. 
Ayah stay strong okay? We need you.'

Abdullah bin Jusoh
1950 - 2017

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